Chipping Away at Life

As 2010 comes to an end and I collect all the busy things I've done I cannot write at all the results or feelings of anything I've completed or started. At the beginning of the year I just wanted to get my mind off of things that were going over and over without any change and just one of those hundreds and hundreds of things was just enough to drive me crazy. You say prioritize right? Wrong. When so many things had such equal importance to me the only thing I could do was work on them all at once. Crazy? No. Eventually I was able to make small nudges to the areas that needed change and that is what I did. But then I would fall back again and again and over and over I'd go again. Dizzy yet?

Well when I began to figure things out and what was working and what wasn't working that didn't do anything either and I began to miss and long again for the repetition of things that went in circles because it was comfortable. I felt content with that same cup of joe and the same talk group for weeks. I felt good spending only this much on this and that only and found solace in things like pumpkin coffee and questionaires, articles, pictures, and then when the year was coming to an end I turned off the radio, the hot shower water, the nonsense talk of this and that and concentrated on on thing only.

That one thing lead all the change in the world that I needed in everything else. Maybe it was the right time, maybe it was the right place that it takes inside someone to budge from a state of comfortable circles to challenge theirselves even just a little. And so at the end of the year so much is only chipped and nicked at like the very things that surround my thinking and everything else mostly the things that involved alot of non thinking and submission and surrender and abandoning self to completely are the things that consume me and I just hope they are the things I do with love.